


in your head, they are dying

by Internetmeep



Series: Benway/Ballum journey [1]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Self-Harm, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-16 02:54:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19309177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Internetmeep/pseuds/Internetmeep
Summary: The pain from the war never left Callum's side both metaphorically and physically and sometimes it gets too much for him.And, when Ben told him that he'd only ever had one proper relationship... that wasn't completely true.





	in your head, they are dying

Ben gives good advice. A children's playground isn't exactly the best place to be trying to hurt yourself. Although, a child's playground isn't the best place to do... other things either but that happened as well, and Ben contributed with that one.

In retrospect, a children's playground really isn't a good place for some privacy at all, no matter what the situation is. He needed some privacy though, and so, this time he was planning on another round of getting drunk and trying to hurt himself, he decided to find someone private. Somewhere where there wouldn't be anyone there to make sly comments about what happened later. 

And said person was the reasoning he was here. Because said person thinks he knows everything about Callum, which isn't true in the slightest. Sometimes Ben gives good advice, but for the most part, he should really keep his mouth shut. For the most part, Ben says all the wrong things.

"losing someone you love it's..."

"Oh you've done that have you?"

...

"You've only ever had one proper relationship and even that's fake"

Callum couldn't tell Ben the truth, in that he was wrong. Because by telling the truth to Ben, he would also be admitting the truth to himself, something that he was not ready to do, and probably never will be. No. He loves Whitney, their relationship is real and good and everything he could possibly ask for. But to be told he has never lost someone he loved, well, that was tough. He had lost someone he cared about in the worst way possible, and he couldn't even admit that to himself let alone tell anybody how he was feeling.

But that one simple attack of character had brought that person into his head once again. Callum would do anything in his power to make him go away. Anything.

Which was why he ended up in an alleyway, bottle of whiskey in hand, trying to erase the memories, the images, flashing through his head like a movie.

He was one of the lucky ones, saving children from a grenade meant he was seen as a hero. The shrapnel in his side allowing him to get out of the terror, his army caused. He had become all too aware that the horrors of war were all too real, all too deadly, lives stolen from innocent people by both sides, England's grenade had left those children orphans, and he was powerless to stop it. He was no hero, despite what everyone back home was trying to make him believe. 

He was one of the lucky ones alright. He was one of the few men not to leave in a body bag. Men like Caleb. His death hurt more than the scars on his side, scars that never truly healed. 

Caleb was Callum's best friend, had been since basic. They had become a bit of a known duo in the squad, which, if you ask anyone else, is always going to get one of you killed. They were inseparable, anyone around them would have commented on that, and even though he wouldn't quite believe it himself, they were, in fact more than just mates.

Which is why it was all the more difficult when Caleb didn't make it home. Callum ran from the explosives, he didn't quite get the same chance with the bullets. There were just too many of them. Callum watching on, powerless to help the person he loved so dearly. He watched him die, and there was nothing he could do about it. He would give anything to take Caleb's place. 

That was something he could understand from Ben. The complete desire to give up your life for someone else, willing to give up everything to spend one more second in their company. After all, Callum had lost everything important to him when he lost Caleb. 

He tried. He tried so hard for that not to be the case. Lying to himself that the importance of Caleb could be replaced with an importance created through Whitney, and the flat and having everything. But the truth was, he was lonely. Ben could see that, but the truth of that only made him more angry.

Angry at Ben for sticking his nose in where it didn't concern him, angry at Whitney for not being what he needed, angry at the people that shot Caleb. In truth he was angry at the world, however you can't fight the world. He was to busy fighting himself. Fighting the truth of who he was, and the memories he was trying so desperately hard to forget.

So he drank. Drank til the pictures became more blurry. But losing the images only made the anger worse. Ben was right. He hated himself. He had let everyone in his life down completely and payed the ultimate price for that, lost the most important person in his life. If he was just born normal, he wouldn't have been punished like this, would have lived a complete and happy life with Whitney. If he was normal, maybe his dad would be proud of him.

He was angry, not that he was able to feel any other emotion, he did his best to numb himself from anything that made him weak. It's better that way. Shows he is strong, for all the people who don't think of him that way. He needs to prove to them that he's tough. He hated himself for who he was, and the stronger he seemed, the more angry he was and less emotional. The better chance he had of proving himself to be something he wasn't, the more likely people would believe it. 

Which is why, in his drunken state, he decided the best way of proving he was tough, whilst also trying to loose the numbness brought by the alcohol, was to slam his fist into the fence he was sitting against. And then again, and again, muffling his cries as he did so, until he was sure it had caused some pain. Not like he could really feel it. But he didn't care anymore, not about anything.

He thought he was out of sight, but it was never that easy with Ben, and he must have heard what was going on. Typical, it seems that wherever Callum was, Ben wouldn't be too far away. He's sick of it, all the hurt he is causing. Part of Callum wishes the fence was Ben's face, the other part wishing he would take care of him.

Luckily for him, Ben wanted the second one also. Sitting down beside him, he grabbed his hand and lifted it gently, checking to see if he had broken it in any way. Deciding he hadn't he placed it back down gently. Despite his attempts not to, Callum was sobbing now, and this proved that he was exactly the sort of person he was so scared he was. It wad terrifying, knowing he could never be good enough, never please the people around him.

Ben just sat with him for a while, knowing, for the most part what he was going through. He didn't know about Caleb, he could never know about him. Because if he knew about  him, then he would know about everything he was feeling. But that didn't mean Ben didn't know what is was like to feel like he could never be good enough.

For a moment, they just sat together, and it was all Callum could need. Maybe he could be the person he wanted to be, but for now, he would go back to Whitney.


End file.
